Monday, March 26, 2012

Growing Pains

This year I've come to realize is going to be a year of momentous growth.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.

This is not a bad thing...
Just exhausting.

I know who I am but it's not translating that way into the world.
I don't like the way it IS translating to people.
I can only control so much but I'll be damned to let people believe certain things about me as if they were truths about my soul.
I'm on a path to, I don't know what.
Honestly, I'm just hanging on for dear life right now as things come pouring out into the open.
I am so thankful each morning for the friends I have that "get me".
That allow me to show them the absolute truths of my soul and reciprocate that back from a place deep within themselves.

One giant hurdle I am climbing and WILL conquer is the fear of abandonment.
Until recently when old patterns showed themselves, I didn't realize how much I am constantly worried that people are going to abandon me.
There's been some pretty momentous times in my life where I've had to hold on to all I had which was a broken shell of a little girl and try to not break down.
I'm still working through the hurt of certain points in my life where powerful and influential people have abandoned me.
I was not the cause.
I did not deserve this.
But it happened.
I have to acknowledge this.
It did indeed happen.

What I do have control over is the part I keep screwing up over and over again.
I have gone into relationships with people not feeling that initial "They are going to abandon me eventually" feeling but then over the course of time, it rears it's ugly head.
Did they in fact abandon me?
Did I set myself up to be abandoned?
Only they truly hold the answer to that.
I may feel like they have from past hurts but I need it to stop playing such an integral part of my life.
I need to stop feeling victimized.
I'm owning my part.
That's all I can do.

With moving cross country I had to relearn everything I knew about myself and what I knew at the time was really,
NOT MUCH.
I've been in a constant state of change within myself as I explore these locked tight doors within my soul.
They are all opening at once and man, that hurts.

I again, cannot control how others respond to my absolute truths and morals I hold for myself.
But I can control how I let it define me.
If I should reevaluate or just let it go.
I take too personally when others view me in a way I am not.
Did I come across differently than I meant?
Did I make someone feel like a terrible person?
Did I simply expect too much?

For a long time my way of dealing with the world was sheer sarcasm and a "I don't give a shit" attitude.
I felt like if I put up this barrier and wall that nothing could harm me.
That got exhausting.
But now.
Now I feel like I care too much.
I read too much into everything.
This has in turn made it hard for me to simply be me when I'm in social groups.
A lot of the time my "go to" persona is to just try to make everything funny.
I revert back to using cheap tactics like sarcasm.

This Friday at my birthday party I was doting on my husband about the table he built me.
He honestly blew me away with the effort he put into it when I was just envisioning a piece of plywood on some cinder blocks.
After I doted on him I immediately thought I was being obnoxious like I was bragging.
So then I added, "because he's an overachiever."
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
He built me the table because he's a genuinely nice person and WANTED to.
I don't need to worry about how others perceive me and my words because I am not them.
I am me.
I control my actions and perceptions.

Time to let go of this control I think I have of how others envision me and to just be.
I will be happier that way instead of being scared that no one will want to be in my life or keep me around for being true to myself.

Peace and love.
Katelyn

3 comments:

Aubrey said...

it's as though you read my thoughts and posted them to your blog! Sometimes I feel like I'm still growing up and here I am in my thirties...still changing...still learning who I am. Love and peace to you and yours!

rain :: said...

wow...i can so relate to this. i used to say i was 'cursed to love' but now that i have learned to love my *self* i am free to love others without needing love in return ...well, in that overly-attached way. we all need love. i'm so glad you have a tribe of those who feel safe to you. that's so important.

all the best.
xo

Amy (Fate-FilledTimes) said...

Hi Katelyn, I just awarded you with the Liebster Blog Award! Congratulations! Here is the post link:


http://fate-filledtimes.blogspot.ca/2012/05/liebster-blog-award.html

<3 Amy