Saturday, July 14, 2012

A New Path

Peace Love and Leener is moving. I will no longer be blogging here but I will still be blogging, actually, I'm pretty certain I'll be blogging MORE now. To honor this change in direction and this new era of my life and my family's life I will now be blogging as "Gypsy Moth Sol." If you would like to still follow along, I'd love to have you. 

Peace and Love.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Color Relations

There's this strong connection I have with colors.
As it shows in my clothing, I feel so at home cloaked in color.
Basking in a kaleidoscope.

The couple years Joey and I lived in an apartment, with bare white walls, it nearly drove me insane.
Crawling under my skin was a bug to paint so greatly.
When we moved into our house we lived with tan/brown walls for a bit before I started covering the house in colors.
But along with the colors I chose: orange, purple, blue, seafoam, green, I also chose gray.
Give me all the colors under the sun but gray soothes me as well.
Gray like the thunderstorm rolling in.
The thunderstorm that we will sit at the window and watch.

Every color, even white, has a strong impact on me.

Bathe me in a rainbow.

Peace and Love.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Of the Spiritual

I find myself deep within a realm of change.
And exploring my spiritual self.

Growing up I was raised Baptist.
I was taught all I needed to know about the world.
So I thought.

I was always lost and conflicted.

As a kid I would lose myself in nature in a sense that contradicted what I was taught as a Baptist.
I felt attached to it in a magickal sense.
I felt like my thoughts could connect with the wind, like I could almost control it.

That was not okay with the teachings of Christianity. 
I buried those thoughts and feelings.
I lost a part of me.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago.
Leena's birth awakened parts of me I had long lost.

Slowly it started with the way I looked at childbirth.
Then it went on to the change I made in my eating habits.
I changed my lifestyle.
It snowballed and turned into this Spiritual Awakening.
My body was cleaned so my mind is clearing.

This year is the year to explore all these thoughts I've slowly been letting loose.
Penelope's birth has once again shook my core and I'm building up my new foundation.

Honoring my true self.
Honoring Gaia.

When people ask me what it is I believe in I give a short answer.
I believe in God.
I usually do not find myself divulging much farther than that.

God, as the Christians honor, I'm not so sure.

The earth is God.
God is not some supreme being giving us minds to rationalize and then telling us not to use that ability.

I've been so afraid to let it be known that I do not follow the God I was taught to follow as a child.
I've been worried that people will judge me as I've judged others in the past for the beliefs I now hold as truths.

I am no longer afraid.

I do not need saving.

 So, what am I?

I am not a religion.

I am me.

Peace and Love.

I, in no way, find you or anyone else of the Christian following any less than I.

We all have our own paths and own personal truths.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Dreadlock Update

For those of you that have asked.

Peace and Love.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I mustache you a question.

That cheesy pun was courtesy of my friend Chelsea.

These girls.
I was just thinking about how I was hoping Penelope was a boy when I was pregnant because I wasn't sure if I could handle two sassy girls.
I am actually so glad for my two little girls.
Bring on the sass!

The other day, I brought up the idea of turning Penelope's room into a studio/office for myself to Joey and Leena and having the girls share a room when Penelope gets older and moves out of our room.
I asked Leena what she thought and she was totally on board.
I grew up sharing a room with two other sisters and no matter how crazy it got, I am glad I did.
Life was so full and happy.
We were always giggling and playing games with each other.
There was a badass bunk bed my dad built and we'd rotate beds every few weeks.
Like literally, we rotated our mattresses because we were territorial of them.
We made up a game where we'd have to hide from any cars coming up the street by going under our covers.
The premise of the game?
Who knows.
We were kids and it was awesome. 
That was the premise.

I can't wait to see the fun these two will share by sharing a room, even though I know they will be creating mischief.

As for me.
I am loving having a space to myself. It has a long way to go but it's already so fun.
Here's a little peek into the studio, with a cute baby to look at.

Today I also started the Intuitive Heart Sanctuary with Lauren Luquin and I'm so excited to dig in and do this inner soul work.
I can't wait to meet some new gals and do some art projects.
Three lovely ladies are also a part of the group of gals.
My dready friend Rain from The Sacred Life
And a lovely gal, who is always leaving me supportive and sweet comments named Amy from Fate-Filled Times

I'm horrible with leaving comments for you gals and possibly guys that follow along here and leave me uplifting messages and I'm so sorry.
I vow to make better connections.
I love you all.

Peace and Love.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Summer Solstice, Welcome.

Soulodge starts in a week and a half and I'm ready.
I'm ready to usher in healing and learning.

I'm ready to start sharing my journey in life again with everyone.
Sometimes a break from certain things opens the path to where you need to go.

Peace and Love.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Growing Pains

This year I've come to realize is going to be a year of momentous growth.

This is not a bad thing...
Just exhausting.

I know who I am but it's not translating that way into the world.
I don't like the way it IS translating to people.
I can only control so much but I'll be damned to let people believe certain things about me as if they were truths about my soul.
I'm on a path to, I don't know what.
Honestly, I'm just hanging on for dear life right now as things come pouring out into the open.
I am so thankful each morning for the friends I have that "get me".
That allow me to show them the absolute truths of my soul and reciprocate that back from a place deep within themselves.

One giant hurdle I am climbing and WILL conquer is the fear of abandonment.
Until recently when old patterns showed themselves, I didn't realize how much I am constantly worried that people are going to abandon me.
There's been some pretty momentous times in my life where I've had to hold on to all I had which was a broken shell of a little girl and try to not break down.
I'm still working through the hurt of certain points in my life where powerful and influential people have abandoned me.
I was not the cause.
I did not deserve this.
But it happened.
I have to acknowledge this.
It did indeed happen.

What I do have control over is the part I keep screwing up over and over again.
I have gone into relationships with people not feeling that initial "They are going to abandon me eventually" feeling but then over the course of time, it rears it's ugly head.
Did they in fact abandon me?
Did I set myself up to be abandoned?
Only they truly hold the answer to that.
I may feel like they have from past hurts but I need it to stop playing such an integral part of my life.
I need to stop feeling victimized.
I'm owning my part.
That's all I can do.

With moving cross country I had to relearn everything I knew about myself and what I knew at the time was really,
I've been in a constant state of change within myself as I explore these locked tight doors within my soul.
They are all opening at once and man, that hurts.

I again, cannot control how others respond to my absolute truths and morals I hold for myself.
But I can control how I let it define me.
If I should reevaluate or just let it go.
I take too personally when others view me in a way I am not.
Did I come across differently than I meant?
Did I make someone feel like a terrible person?
Did I simply expect too much?

For a long time my way of dealing with the world was sheer sarcasm and a "I don't give a shit" attitude.
I felt like if I put up this barrier and wall that nothing could harm me.
That got exhausting.
But now.
Now I feel like I care too much.
I read too much into everything.
This has in turn made it hard for me to simply be me when I'm in social groups.
A lot of the time my "go to" persona is to just try to make everything funny.
I revert back to using cheap tactics like sarcasm.

This Friday at my birthday party I was doting on my husband about the table he built me.
He honestly blew me away with the effort he put into it when I was just envisioning a piece of plywood on some cinder blocks.
After I doted on him I immediately thought I was being obnoxious like I was bragging.
So then I added, "because he's an overachiever."
He built me the table because he's a genuinely nice person and WANTED to.
I don't need to worry about how others perceive me and my words because I am not them.
I am me.
I control my actions and perceptions.

Time to let go of this control I think I have of how others envision me and to just be.
I will be happier that way instead of being scared that no one will want to be in my life or keep me around for being true to myself.

Peace and love.